What would it take to really believe in yourself?

Have you ever thought to yourself: I will be happy when I have X. I will be successful when I’m making X. I will know I’ve made it when I’m driving X make of car. I will be satisfied when I’ve lost X much weight.

The inherent flaw in the thinking that you will be happy when…..is that benchmark is constantly moving. That’s why, at the beginning of any coaching engagement, I start each client on a journey to define their intentions – what is it that they’re really after? What is the experience they want to be enjoying underneath the external achievement? I have them write their intentions in the present tense, as though they’ve already happened, so they can step into the experience of what it means to already be there – in their future vision. If they can taste it and visualize it, it is way more likely to happen. 

And then we work on building their self-belief and confidence on the road to getting there.

The concept of self-belief

At the root of the climbing, the striving and the achieving is a belief system and a sense of worthiness that you can get there – or not. That’s the concept of self-belief. 

A quick look online defines self-belief as “a person’s belief in their ability to complete tasks and to achieve their goals (Bandura, 1995).” Bandera contends that if you judge yourself to be capable of success it increases your chances of actual success. Judging yourself as not capable of success reduces the chance of success.

Have you ever thought about your self-belief? Like, really thought about it. What do you believe you can do? Who do you see yourself as? What do you believe you’re capable of?

But what do you do if you’re not even aware of how you’re holding yourself back? What if your beliefs about yourself are so ingrained that you consider them “just fact?”

Self-belief is intrinsically tied with the concept of self-worth. 

Self-worth is the belief that you are valuable and deserving of love, respect, and happiness, independent of external validation. When applying these concepts to career or business,a healthy sense of self-worth empowers you to go for more, to try new things and to maintain emotional resilience in the face of adversity.

Understanding Self-Worth

Self-worth is different from self-esteem, though the two are often used interchangeably. Self-esteem is more related to how you feel about your abilities and accomplishments, often driven by comparisons or achievements. In contrast, self-worth is the recognition that your value is inherent and not dependent on what you do, what you achieve, or how others perceive you. It is the belief that, at your core, you matter simply because you are human.

This concept is challenging for many people because societal pressures often tie worth to status, success, appearance, or wealth. We are conditioned to believe that we must constantly prove ourselves to be worthy of love and respect. This mindset can lead to self-doubt, perfectionism, and chronic dissatisfaction.

Signs of Low Self-Worth

Do you struggle with low self-worth? Here are some signs:

You constantly seek approval: You rely on others to validate your feelings, worth, or choices. Criticism or rejection can shatter your self-image.

You fear failure: You avoid challenges because you equate failure with being unworthy or incapable.

You’re a people pleaser: You prioritize others’ needs over your own, believing that your value comes from making others happy.

You have difficulty setting boundaries:  You struggle to say no, often allowing people to take advantage of your time or energy.

You speak to yourself negatively: You engage in harsh inner dialogue, calling yourself names or diminishing your worth after making mistakes.

How to Build Self-Worth

Let’s reverse that, shall we? And how do we know if we’re pleasing others too much, or expecting too much feedback? What’s the tipping point?

1.Challenge Negative Beliefs: Identify the limiting beliefs that undermine your self-worth. Write them down, and then question their validity. Are they truly facts, or are they rooted in past experiences or societal pressures? Replace these thoughts with affirming truths. For example, instead of “I am not good enough,” try “I have everything I need to be successful.” In her book Worthy: How to believe you’re enough and transform your life, Kern-Lima suggests doing some mirror work. This is where you stand in front of the mirror, look yourself in the eye, and recite positive affirmations – with specifics. This is where you get to rewrite the story you tell yourself about yourself.

2. Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the kindness and understanding you would offer to a close friend. Acknowledge your mistakes, but don’t let them define your worth. Forgive yourself and understand that imperfection is part of being human. One coach I spoke with this week gives that negative voice a name and sets it aside and gives it a good talking to whenever it starts being negative with her. Remember, that voice is not you, it’s a negative judge, and you wouldn’t talk to a friend like that, now would you?

3. Set Boundaries: Learn to say no and protect your time and energy. This shows that you value yourself enough not to allow others to overstep your limits. Boundary-setting is a challenge I see in almost all my clients from time to time. Preserving your time and energy by honouring your own priorities vs others <all the time> is a key strategy to feeling accomplished and good about yourself and how you spend your time.

4. Focus on Internal Validation: If you always need validation from others to feel worthy, you will be endlessly seeking this external validation. Shift your attention from seeking validation from others to finding it within. Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment, not because they impress others, but because they nurture your spirit. If you’re proud of you that feeling of self-worth will climb. But what do you do if you’re not even aware of how you’re holding yourself back? What if your beliefs about yourself are so ingrained that you consider them “just fact?”

“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” – Thich Nhat Hanh

5. Surround Yourself with Support: It’s been said that you’re the average of the five people you spend the most time with. Another way to look at this is to  spendtime with people who lift you up and respect you. Healthy relationships reinforce the belief that you are valuable, while toxic relationships can diminish your self-worth. Minimize those toxic people in your life. Even if they’re family. Just because they’re related to you doesn’t mean they’re good for you.

Cultivating self-worth is not a quick fix; it’s a lifelong practice of affirming your inherent value, embracing imperfection, and learning to prioritize your well-being. If you struggle with this, you’re not alone. Many people wrestle with self-doubt and seek external validation throughout their entire lives. It’s the young child in you who sought your parents and teachers approval. Well, now you’re a grown up. You get to decide what’s worth celebrating and what isn’t. 

Increasing your self-worth will enhance not only your life, but your business and your career as well. Your confidence will grow, you will shine and people will want more of that! More of you. Remember, your value isn’t something you earn — it’s who you are. Be that person. Go there. Be you. 

To your success,